Tuesday, October 25, 2005

The Response

it has been a while since i have written a blog, i do hope i still know how to do it!! a lot of has been happening since my last post. but first let me give you some background my readers.

back in June i had the biggest shock of my life, the man of my dreams. the man who rescued me from a life that had no future. the man that would give my son hope, betrayed me in the harshest way. i found that pornography had entered into his life. but let me back up 8 years ago.

recently divorced with a 3 year old in tow i met him. he showed me genuine love and acceptance. he showed my son what it would be like to have a dad. as a result i ran with it. for i so desperately wanted for him to have a father that would be there 110%. a year later we were married. i packed all i owned, cats, kids and car and off i went to a life that i yearned for. not realizing were it would bring me 7 years later.

everything was great the first few months but then it changed. our love for each other started to fade. he chose motorcycles, computers and friends over a family. over a wife who so desperately wanted to feel love and acceptance.

i remember an incident were he went riding his dirtbike while my son and i went to Dollywood with the in-laws (or out-laws as they say). but these actions didn't stop there. some nights i would wait for him to come and help with the kids, there were 2 now, but to no avail. he would show up 2 hours later, after everyone was to bed. where was he you ask?? out with his homosexual girlfriend at a steak house eating dinner. there were times when i would try to get him to come and do things with the kids and i, but he would use the excuse of i'm to tired. "i'll be here when you get home," he would say.

as the years past the further i would drift from him. the love and adoration i had for him changed to hurt and anger. it eventually grew to a means of survival for me. i had 3 kids that needed my attention and love, so i drove on. pushed my feeling aside and fought for the kids.

that is until now. for no one knows what pain and hurt is going on hours away from your comfortable lives. your secure homes where there is love and attention. but here in knoxville the pain and hurt is to the point of desperation.

i now look at this man, that was supposed to save me, with only anger. no love. for back in June when all was found out i again pushed my feelings and hurts aside for him. allow my anger to grow deeper.

how long can you lie to yourself?? how long can you deny the inevitable?? how long can you worry about how you are going to be judged and ridiculed for your actions??

life must change here. i can no longer push what i feel into the depth of my heart and hope that life will change. i must become the strong women that i once was, and stand my ground. do things the way that i feel best for me. do things the way that i feel, best for my kids. they don't deserve to constantly feel tention in their home. they don't deserve to hear fighting in their home. for this is supposed to be their safe haven.

so my dear friends and for those dear family members that are so far away let me share this. we have decided after mush thinking that a separation is the best way to heal. but that during this separation communication must be open. that if anger is so strong put it to an email.

will we rekindle the love we once have?? i don't know. was the damaged that was caused so strong that the dagger between us will never be removed?? i don't know. what i do know is that i am taking this one day at a time. giving my children as much love and affirmation as possible. but dear readers what would you do if your 11 year old son says that "in daddies eyes i am invisible." tell me, would that not break your heart?? would that not make you to want to give him a stress free home.

so those of you who are wondering what kinds of advice to give, don't worry about it. for this has been going on for over a month now without a single call. without a simple "are you okay." will i turn to you all for advice, probably not. not because i don't think that you can help. but because i am not looking for advice, just a listening ear to cry to when the hurt and pain gets to bad. i have my work, soccer and now gymnastics that help me go on. for i have my friends here that aren't trying to advice me on which way to go. but friends who will just listen. friends that will just simply say "you'll get through this." for not once have i heard "divorce the bastard." no, my friends aren't like that. for they are friends that know when i just need to cry. when i just need to go shopping!! thanks danna, you are a true friend.

for as much as i love my family i am so deeply hurt by the lack of love you have shown. the listening ear that has not been given. the affirmation that you will always be here.

so now my dear bloggers who read a newbies sight i must go to sleep. for tomorrow brings new challenges. new obstacles to hurdle over. and more love to be given to 3 innocent children.

Goodnight.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Happy Birthday Alyssa

I bet you all are probably thinking that I was not going to get another entry in before the end of the year. Well you are wrong I am getting this entry done while laying in bed with my cat sitting on my chest. Boy I am so glad that my mom made me take typing in high school because I can not see the keys. This is Jelly Beans way of telling me that she is in need of attention, that she needs her morning pet pets!! Well sorry dear your are not going to get it. Even if I throw her off me she will jump back on until she gets her way. But those who are cat owners know that when you start feeding into her demands she will decide when you stop.

Enough of my cat dilemmas now about what has been going on since the last post. Friday was a long day with a field trip, hair cut, a soccer game and finally a babysitting job that evening. First lets start at the field trip. Madelyn and Alyssa had a field trip at the zoo. It was great because I didn't have to go to work and was able to get an additional 1 hour of sleep. But come on people how many times can you go to the zoo in a 6 months span!! But that doesn't matter when you are seeing this through the eyes of a 5 and 4 year old. They had a blast with their friends. We were there until 2:00, just in time to get home and rest until going to get my hair cut. So off to West Knoxville for an hour of head pampering!! Washing my hair has never been a major highlight of my day until you go to get your hair done. Prior to sitting in that chair for an hour you get to have your head massaged!! Pure heaven ladies!! After the hair cut I rushed home to ruin my new style on the soccer field. But I would sacrifice my hair style for the sake of an hour of playing soccer. Soccer went well with no-one pissing me off so it stayed a fun game. Then to complete my day I babysat overnight. Bedtime came at 8:30 and all I needed to do was tell the girls that if anyone got out of bed they would be sitting in my bathroom for 20 minuets, until they were ready to go to sleep. Well the threat is all that was needed because I didn't hear a word.

Now we run into Saturday, my oldest daughters birthday. Alyssa turns 6!! Although she acts like she is turning 36, older than her mom!! The day started the same way it has for years, soccer games. Alyssa and Madelyn played their game first at 11:00. It is so funny to see these girls play an hour and a half of ball chasing!! There is no rhyme or reason to the girls soccer game. You are probably wondering why they start them that young!! Well they have a blast running around the field and having fun. And it is another time to show off my girls. They are the only ones on the field that have their hair correctly positioned on their head with the proper hair bows. Following the girls game we head off to the field next to us to watch Anthony's game. This one is much more interesting than the girls. Especially when they play a good game. They finally won their game 5-1!! There record has not been that impressive this season with 1 win, 1 tie, and 3 losses. So with this win we are now at 2 wins!! Anthony played great with several shots at the goal.

Alyssa's birthday party will complete our Saturday. Being a procrastinator I was unsure how many people were going to go to her party since I emailed the invitations. I was hoping that we could pass them out at school just in case the parents don't check their email every 10 mins. To my surprise Alyssa couldn't pass these out at school. At 6:00 will be the determining factor of who looks at their emails. To my surprise we had 6 kids, including Madelyn, at the gymnastics party. When I signed in I asked the girl if I would be allowed to play on the equipment too, she said no. As a typical women, and then factor in that I am a Byrne, there will be no way that I would obey. And anyway readers do you really expect me to ignore bouncing on the trampoline!! Well I didn't obey and had a blast jumping and doing hand stands on the floor. Because of my disobedience the instructor said that they have an adult class on Wednesday nights from 7:30-8:30. Perfect!!!! Now I get to go jump for an hour without having to tell my kids that mommy is almost done. The party lasted until 8:00, we had a lot of fun!!

But now I must go and get ready for a birthday party Anthony has been invited to at 2:00. Since I am still laying in bed at noon and don't have a present for this child I must go get my but in gear. Until next time blogspot!!

Thursday, October 13, 2005

My First blog

Okay this is my first time doing this so bare with me. After reading my sisters and cousins sight my husband thought it would be a great idea. My entries will try to be a little more frequent then my older sister but not as long as Emme's, my younger sisters.

Well let me first tell about myself. I am 32 years old and have 3 kids and 5 furry kids. I have been a stay at home mom for the past 7 years and have now just re-entered the work force. This is probably the best thing that I could have decided to do with my time since all my kids are in school now. I do not have a college degree but thanks to Knox County schools I can work as a substitute teacher without a teaching degree. The only year I was in college I was going to major in elementary education for the learning disabled. So subbing in the county schools is right up my alley. After a month of paperwork and making deadlines I received my "walking papers" to officially start subbing. Two of the schools I picked are right down the road from my kids school. At Karns Elementary I work in the CDC-A room which are children with physical challenges. Some are autistic, downs syndrome, or severely handicapped. The next school I have enjoyed working at is Ridgedale Elementary School. Before bringing my slip in there thought it was a mainstream school. But to my surprise, which I learned my first day working there, it is not. Not in the least. The students at this school might not have a physical disability but mainly have screwed up family lives which has caused severe problems in their little lives. Since these students have problems controlling their tongues and fists they have been recommended to Ridgedale to reform them. Which will be another blog so I can always have something to talk about.

Well that will be about all for tonight. Tune in another time with I will give you the rundown on the students that are at Ridgedale.